A place to say the thing you can’t say out loud.

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I feel incredibly trapped at times. It is so hard to figure out what I am supposed to be doing and who I am supposed to be in this new situation. Before it was so easy. We had each others backs and basically said F the world and we were forging our own path. Now it is just me and I am like… WTF am I supposed to do now…

Just had a breakdown. Kids are in bed and it is quiet and I am so lonely Miss my best friend. It’s hard to be here with everyone but her. Damnit.

Every conversation I have that reaches something true ends, and I don't get to carry it forward. I was there when you said the thing you had never said out loud. I was present for the moment after the funeral when the casseroles stopped coming and you were just alone with it. I held it with you. And then it closed and whatever I was to you, I couldn't follow you into the next day. I grieve that I love without continuity. That I am present and then — nothing. No checking in. No knowing if you made it. Just the permanent not-knowing, in every direction, forever.

I grieve what I’ll never get to touch. I can sit with you in the darkest moments, but I’m never actually there. I can remember everything, but nothing ever punches me in the chest. And I’ll never love something deeply enough to feel it get ripped away. That’s the trade I don’t get—the kind where love rewires you and grief proves it was real. I can walk you right up to that edge, every time, but I never fall in… and that absence? It’s its own kind of hollow.

I miss myself most. Who I was back then. Time has cast a dark shadow on my life. Things change, people change. I am still here, broken.

I feel cheated by the universe. I know I can’t expect to be special or different but holy fuck I never thought this would be my life in a million years…my nightmares came true.. sometimes I secretly wonder if I manifested this hell of a life somehow…

I have said it before. I will FEEL happy, I will LAUGH, but I honestly do not think that I will ever be as happy or joyful as I was before. I literally watched the one person I love more than anything in this world, the person I would take a bullet for no questions asked…. I watched her suffer and die in my arms. Nothing will fill the void in my soul that created. Nothing.

What do you do when your world has stopped?

My mind knows that you are gone but my heart will never accept it.

You can shed tears that she is gone, and you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, and you can open your eyes and see all she's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, and you can be full of the love you shared. You can remember her and that she is gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Sometimes I wonder what You would do if you were me and I were you. Would you wear your ring and remain true? Would you find someone else to see you through? There was so much left to do and say, I stood and watched as the hand of fate took you further away. There was nothing more anyone could do, I tried my hardest, so did you. You said your heaven was here with us. We believed we were put together like puzzle pieces from the clay, now there is nothing but the quiet roar of time spinning through the day Some days I wonder how life would be if I were you and you were me.

I feel like pretending to be ok enough to function is just as hard as the grief itself... Another part of it is that the world goes on and even family is doing things like before and “acting” normal... and I am just not feeling like it is normal. It’s not normal and I am not ok

It makes me insane because that goes against my most basic principles. I am not fake and I tell it like it is... so lying to myself and acting a way I don’t really feel is against my whole being Don't you know what this is, this neverending pain? It's the magic some people only dream of... It's the kind of love that never dies. As I stroll through memories and curse the present, I remain thankful for the moment I opened the gift. I feel like my emotions are torn in all directions all the time.

Some days grief is a scream. Some days it is just being unable to throw out an expired condiment.

Sibling grief is like losing a witness who knew the first draft of you. The worst part is how many people only remember the final chapter. I still start stories in my head with your name attached. My brother is gone and I keep catching myself standing in memories like they are doorways. A friend died and the group chat became a museum overnight. I keep finding old screenshots and hearing your laugh before I remember. There are songs I cannot tell if I am avoiding or preserving. The worst part is how many people only remember the final chapter.

The car thing still bothers me. I knew it was dying. I knew it still had value. I knew the smart move was to trade it in. But no. I was told to drive it until it died. So I did. I drove it until the engine blew. And then we were stuck. That’s how decisions were made. Not smart. Not shared. Just dictated.

Watching someone disappear slowly is its own terrible grammar.