The Wall

I’m jealous of couples in a way I hate admitting. Not because I want their specific life. Not because I think their marriages are perfect or they’ve solved something I didn’t. Just because they still have the basic infrastructure I lost. A witness. A teammate. A co-parent. A person to decompress with. A body next to theirs at night. A default other. That shit is massive. And when you lose it, other people’s ordinary happiness can feel like an indictment. Not because they did anything wrong. Just because it reminds you how abnormal your life now feels. I can sit at a party and genuinely like everyone there and still feel alienated by the simple fact that they all get to go home into a shared reality I no longer have access to. That’s not bitterness exactly. It’s exile.